a day in the life of...

a gardner...chronicles of the random adventures, boredom,chaos and drama that happens in London, Ontario

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Location: London, Ontario, Canada

a disillusioned londoner, who is now in new zealand, hoping to corrupt young minds once ive finished with teacher's college

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

"chuck norris lost his virginity before his dad did"....92 facts about chuck, yah i posted it

...there's been an email going around about chuck norris, and as a homage to waller, i've posted it:
1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

2. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

3. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

4. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

5. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

6. Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

7. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

8. To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

9. The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

10. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

11. Chuck Norris lives by only one rule: No fat Chicks.

12. When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

13. Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

14. A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

15. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

16. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

17. Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and shit on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.

18. Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.

19. Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong.

20. Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.

21. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

22. Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the shit out of viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill.

23. Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids.

24. Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.

25. One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.

26. Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she didn't give him exact change.

27. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

28. After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".

29. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

30. Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children who just bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying Chuck Norris calmly says, "I'll give you something to cry about," and roundhouse kicks them in the face.

31. Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all shoot outs. When the director explained that he can't do that, he replied, "of course I can, I'm Chuck Norris," and roundhouse kicked him in the face

32. If paper beats rock, and rock beats scissors, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.

33. Chuck Norris puts the m's on m&ms.

34. when his martial arts prowess fails to resolve a situation, Chuck Norris plays dead. When playing dead doesn't work, he plays zombie.

35. It is common knowledge that there are three sides to the force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.

36. Scientists used to believe that a diamond was the world's hardest substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure that the scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norris.

37. Chuck Norris carries a messenger bag. If you call it a purse, he pulls a baby out of the bag and throws it at you. The baby will blow up upon impact.

38. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

39. God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for a +500 gain to roundhouse ability.

40. New Yearšs eve 1998, Chuck Norris was at a party, when the clock struck twelve, instead of kissing someone, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked everyone at the party. He then proceeded to roundhouse kick everyone on the street, and the whole city. He has been doing this ever since.

41. When Chuck Norris was denied a mcgriddle at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendys.

42. Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heart burn.

43. A ducks quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you grimly.

44. Chuck Norris was a hidden playable character on mortal kombat 2 on the Sega genesis.

45. Chuck Norris is known for his modesty but readily admits that he is the 8th wonder of the natural world.

46. Chuck Norris once tried to defeat Jackie Chan in a game of chess. When Norris lost, he won in life by roundhouse kicking than in the side of the face.

47. Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is so powerful; it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.

48. Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.

49. Chuck Norris goes to the toilet once a month, if he needs to or not.

50. Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.

51. Chuck Norris can cut onions without crying.

52. Chuck Norris burned down an entire forest when he was experimenting with water.

53. There are in fact 31 letters of the English alphabet however only Chuck Norris knows what the extra 5 letters are.

54. Occasionally Chuck Norris will call up the power rangers just to say hi.

55. Chuck Norris has no concept of time; if you go to his house you won't find a single clock. When you ask to leave because it's getting late he stares at you blankly until you sit back down.

56. If you want a list of Chuck Norris' enemies just check the extinct species list.

57. Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.

58. Chuck Norris can believe it's not butter.

59. Chuck Norris once ate a banana without having to peel it.

60. If Chuck Norris had a dollar and you had a dollar, Chuck would kick your ass and take your dollar.

61. We once had a bachelor party for Chuck Norris. He ate the entire cake before we could tell him there was a stripper in it

62. Every piece of furniture in Chuck Norris' house is a total gym.

63. In a recent interview, Chuck Norris told entertainment tonight co-host Mary hart that his most memorable role was when he played the third breast on the hooker in "total recall".

64. Chuck Norris once did a back flip off the Great Wall of China.

65. Chuck Norris doesn't need to swallow when eating food.

66. Chuck Norris can divide by zero

67. Chuck Norris caught all 386 Pokemon in just under 2.7 seconds. He says he won't trade any of them for anything.

68. If superman and the flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win: Chuck Norris.

69. Ironically, Chuck Norris' hidden talent is invisibility.

70. Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poops them out transformed into a robot.

71. In one episode of Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Chuck Norris replaced Carlton for one scene and nobody noticed.

72. Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris was dropped at Hiroshima and Nagasaki.

73. Chuck Norris broke his own leg, purely for the sake of winning the Special Olympics.

74. Chuck Norris is where babies come from.

75. Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a get out of jail free monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.

76. On the 7th day, god rested. Chuck Norris took over.

77. Biologically, Chuck Norris is his own step-father.

78. Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don't be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.

79. Chuck Norris consumes 87 cans of mayonnaise in a week.

80. Chuck Norris invented water.

81. Chuck Norris will never fully be male nor female. Doctors once asked him which he preferred. He gave them an ad for a total gym.

82. Chuck Norris went looking for a bar but couldn't find one. He walked to a vacant lot and sat there. Sure enough within an hour and a half someone constructed a bar around him. He then ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Chuck Norris yelled over the roar of the flames, 'always leave things the way you found ‘em!'"

83. One time while sparring with wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term: Jupiter.

84. Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the blue ringed octopus of eastern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.

85. Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker's father.

86. Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, he simply changes the actual spelling of it.

87. Before science was invented it was once believed that autumn occurred when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked every tree in existence.

88. Before email was invented Chuck Norris would attach pictures of his roundhouse kicks to pigeons and roundhouse kick them.

89. In the original pilot for star trek next generation, Chuck Norris can be seen powering the USS enterprise warp drive with his roundhouse kicks

90. There was a time when Chuck Norris was labeled as a mere god of men, more recently he has taken the lofty title of "Tennessee's junior embroiderer of the year".

91. Chuck Norris was once asked to recommend a club to which he replied 'I am a club' and everyone partied on him... Until he roundhouse kicked them all because someone spilled his pint.

92. Chuck Norris puts the caramel in the center of a Caramilk Bar.


Blogger Phronk said...

That picture gave me a bit of a woody.

Here are some very interesting facts about Vin Diesel that everyone should know, too: http://www.4q.cc/vin/

8:53 AM  
Blogger gardner said...

lol a woody eh? who would have thought chuck norris would have that power....wait...chuck norris knew ;)

4:07 PM  

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