a day in the life of...

a gardner...chronicles of the random adventures, boredom,chaos and drama that happens in London, Ontario

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Location: London, Ontario, Canada

a disillusioned londoner, who is now in new zealand, hoping to corrupt young minds once ive finished with teacher's college

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

"chuck norris lost his virginity before his dad did"....92 facts about chuck, yah i posted it

...there's been an email going around about chuck norris, and as a homage to waller, i've posted it:
1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

2. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

3. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

4. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

5. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

6. Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

7. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

8. To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

9. The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

10. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

11. Chuck Norris lives by only one rule: No fat Chicks.

12. When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

13. Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

14. A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

15. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

16. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

17. Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and shit on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.

18. Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.

19. Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong.

20. Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.

21. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

22. Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the shit out of viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill.

23. Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids.

24. Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.

25. One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.

26. Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she didn't give him exact change.

27. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

28. After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".

29. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

30. Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children who just bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying Chuck Norris calmly says, "I'll give you something to cry about," and roundhouse kicks them in the face.

31. Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all shoot outs. When the director explained that he can't do that, he replied, "of course I can, I'm Chuck Norris," and roundhouse kicked him in the face

32. If paper beats rock, and rock beats scissors, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.

33. Chuck Norris puts the m's on m&ms.

34. when his martial arts prowess fails to resolve a situation, Chuck Norris plays dead. When playing dead doesn't work, he plays zombie.

35. It is common knowledge that there are three sides to the force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.

36. Scientists used to believe that a diamond was the world's hardest substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure that the scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norris.

37. Chuck Norris carries a messenger bag. If you call it a purse, he pulls a baby out of the bag and throws it at you. The baby will blow up upon impact.

38. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

39. God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for a +500 gain to roundhouse ability.

40. New Yearšs eve 1998, Chuck Norris was at a party, when the clock struck twelve, instead of kissing someone, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked everyone at the party. He then proceeded to roundhouse kick everyone on the street, and the whole city. He has been doing this ever since.

41. When Chuck Norris was denied a mcgriddle at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendys.

42. Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heart burn.

43. A ducks quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you grimly.

44. Chuck Norris was a hidden playable character on mortal kombat 2 on the Sega genesis.

45. Chuck Norris is known for his modesty but readily admits that he is the 8th wonder of the natural world.

46. Chuck Norris once tried to defeat Jackie Chan in a game of chess. When Norris lost, he won in life by roundhouse kicking than in the side of the face.

47. Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is so powerful; it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.

48. Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.

49. Chuck Norris goes to the toilet once a month, if he needs to or not.

50. Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.

51. Chuck Norris can cut onions without crying.

52. Chuck Norris burned down an entire forest when he was experimenting with water.

53. There are in fact 31 letters of the English alphabet however only Chuck Norris knows what the extra 5 letters are.

54. Occasionally Chuck Norris will call up the power rangers just to say hi.

55. Chuck Norris has no concept of time; if you go to his house you won't find a single clock. When you ask to leave because it's getting late he stares at you blankly until you sit back down.

56. If you want a list of Chuck Norris' enemies just check the extinct species list.

57. Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.

58. Chuck Norris can believe it's not butter.

59. Chuck Norris once ate a banana without having to peel it.

60. If Chuck Norris had a dollar and you had a dollar, Chuck would kick your ass and take your dollar.

61. We once had a bachelor party for Chuck Norris. He ate the entire cake before we could tell him there was a stripper in it

62. Every piece of furniture in Chuck Norris' house is a total gym.

63. In a recent interview, Chuck Norris told entertainment tonight co-host Mary hart that his most memorable role was when he played the third breast on the hooker in "total recall".

64. Chuck Norris once did a back flip off the Great Wall of China.

65. Chuck Norris doesn't need to swallow when eating food.

66. Chuck Norris can divide by zero

67. Chuck Norris caught all 386 Pokemon in just under 2.7 seconds. He says he won't trade any of them for anything.

68. If superman and the flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win: Chuck Norris.

69. Ironically, Chuck Norris' hidden talent is invisibility.

70. Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poops them out transformed into a robot.

71. In one episode of Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Chuck Norris replaced Carlton for one scene and nobody noticed.

72. Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris was dropped at Hiroshima and Nagasaki.

73. Chuck Norris broke his own leg, purely for the sake of winning the Special Olympics.

74. Chuck Norris is where babies come from.

75. Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a get out of jail free monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.

76. On the 7th day, god rested. Chuck Norris took over.

77. Biologically, Chuck Norris is his own step-father.

78. Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don't be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.

79. Chuck Norris consumes 87 cans of mayonnaise in a week.

80. Chuck Norris invented water.

81. Chuck Norris will never fully be male nor female. Doctors once asked him which he preferred. He gave them an ad for a total gym.

82. Chuck Norris went looking for a bar but couldn't find one. He walked to a vacant lot and sat there. Sure enough within an hour and a half someone constructed a bar around him. He then ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Chuck Norris yelled over the roar of the flames, 'always leave things the way you found ‘em!'"

83. One time while sparring with wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term: Jupiter.

84. Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the blue ringed octopus of eastern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.

85. Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker's father.

86. Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, he simply changes the actual spelling of it.

87. Before science was invented it was once believed that autumn occurred when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked every tree in existence.

88. Before email was invented Chuck Norris would attach pictures of his roundhouse kicks to pigeons and roundhouse kick them.

89. In the original pilot for star trek next generation, Chuck Norris can be seen powering the USS enterprise warp drive with his roundhouse kicks

90. There was a time when Chuck Norris was labeled as a mere god of men, more recently he has taken the lofty title of "Tennessee's junior embroiderer of the year".

91. Chuck Norris was once asked to recommend a club to which he replied 'I am a club' and everyone partied on him... Until he roundhouse kicked them all because someone spilled his pint.

92. Chuck Norris puts the caramel in the center of a Caramilk Bar.

smirks and tears....an election is upon us

so must of you know, or i would hope that you know that the liberal government was toppled yesterday, and a new election is slated for jan 23. the london free press goes into much more details about the election then i will...but what bothers me the most is that government ideally is supposed to be about co-operation. perhaps i live in a fools world, but a miniority government should be built on this fact. our elected officials are supposed to be doing what is best for us, and forcing an election because you're pissed that you didn't win the last time, is not helping us. granted the liberals have a had a lot of problems, but the parties should be cooperating, to ensure that things get done for canadians instead of pumping up their own ego. in the pic above you can see the smirk on harper's face....i find that to be so unprofessional and petty....that i could not imagine that man as prime minister of our country. thank god i'll be able to vote before i leave....and chances are we'll have another miniority government. but another concern is that people barely vote in summer elections, what is going to happen in the winter? i can only imagine :s

Monday, November 28, 2005

i think its time to bust out the sweat pants...

today i had my christmas party brunch at the delta armories....good god i dont think ive seen so much food in a while...currently i think i have a food headache, and all i want to do is take a nap...alas that cannot be the case. but i would like to say that i highly recommend the brunch....perhaps one good point about london :)

however i did want to touch on the fact that again london does have some very bad points, as was evident with the mismangement of clearing of london's streets during the snowstorm on thursday. it took me over an hour to get from bryon to downtown...slightly ridiculous. the londonfog had a great post on this matter

as well i entered into a contest on another blog that i visit regularly, sucre, and it looks like i didn't win :( ah well i can't always have the best pick up stories. the creepiest perhaps...but not the best...at least i got honourable mention :)

i know this post is slightly random...im not sure if its because of all the food that was eaten and my body can't cope and as i result i produce random posts....but i would like to give a little update on my progress for getting ready for my trip:

i have my tickets booked :) yah! so only 69 more days to go until i leave

i bought luggage the other day...and came to the conclusion i am going to have a brutal time packing, i'm only allowed 50 pounds per bag....stupid air canada

and finally i told my job that my last day will be feb 4th :D which means only 68 more days of work :D

Monday, November 21, 2005

all dressed up....

this was from last weekend....headed out to a semi formal, was fun aside from an 18 year old trying to pick me up....when they're born in 1987....thats not a good sign

Friday, November 18, 2005

ewww snow

well it looks like winter is upon us, and the crappy weather has made me long for new zealand even more. i checked the weather there today, and its 19 and sunny....here -3, with a windchill of -10....sigh

to depress myself further i looked up some pictures from new zealand. they're from the north island, where i will be, but in an area called northland....i wish our north was like that, enjoy:

Monday, November 07, 2005

"hey i have a case of bud light at home...wanna come over?"

well went out last night...and got another classy pick up line....ive come to the conclusion that 1. guys just don't put any effort into talking to a girl...and really why should they when they tempt us with a case of bud light....let me just strip my clothes off right now :s ...and 2. there is no real need when it comes to london

i bet he didnt even have to say anything to her, except grind up on the dance floor.

perhaps guys dont bother because romance is a fantasy girls watch on tv (which i did today in my hung over state) ...or maybe im being cynical....i know that you'll never find anyone at a bar....and im not looking either, but lets be honest, cant a guy come up with something better than an offer of free beer? which brings me to another thought, men offer drinks, or weed etc, and girls put out in exchange....doesn't that just turn us into prostitutes? we give out sex in exchange for some sort of good....maybe guys have come to that conclusion as well...they can skip the talking and getting to know you part and just offer some sort of good in hopes of receiving sex ...well played boys, well played. wait to gear yourself to market trends.

meeting people/picking up has transformed into a capitalistic market....who knew? no need for alternative methods, because in london a man is bound to find someone willing to give it up for a drink...maybe london could consider that for tourism purposes :)

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

i've been meaning to do this for awhile...

i received an email from one of my fellow londoners, and its a list of you know you live in london when....

1. You know not to go to the Galleria, unless you want to buy drugs, see a cheap movie, or work out at Good Life
2. You go to Masonville because it's the "good" mall
3. You know what E.O.A means
4. You steer clear of E.O.A as best you can
5. When people ask you what part of the city you live in, you first explain you don't live E.O.A.
6. You originally thought the Aquatic Centre was either an aircraft hanger or a bomb shelter
7. You wish you lived in the Masonville Area
8. You know that Beal, Clark Road, Banting, and Ross are the ghetto schools. Oakridge and Lucas are the snobby schools where the students drive better cars than the teachers ever will, Saunders once had a shooting, a stabbing, and once caught fire and no one's ever in class anyways because they're all hanging out in the parking lot over at Westmount Mall
9. As far as the catholic schools go you know the hicks all go to RMC, the Snobs all go to STA, the slutty girls can be found at CCH, and the new Canadians all go to JPII. And you're vaguely aware of that new one out in the middle of no where in the north of the city where all the rich kids go.
10. You feel that while SilverCity may be really expensive, it's right in Masonville, and where else do you really want to be?
11. You listen to FM 96, BOB FM and 6X-FM. If you're bored, you'll listen to CHRW 97.7FM, but you're not crazy about it because "the shit they play is too random for me, man".
12. It's taken you up to 2 hours to get home using the LTC.
13. (When it was around), you mocked the police helicopter and wondered why it was always flying over Byron and Oakridge? What could possibly be going so wrong in Byron or Oakridge?14. You've marveled at the freakishly short grass at London Life and have been compelled to walk on it.
15. When you're bored, you phone a friend and say "let's go get some coffee at Starbucks or William's", but inevitably, you wind up at Timmy's.
16. You get really excited over those giant store openings, and immediately applied for a job there
17. You've dragged raced anywhere
18. You liked the old Storybook Gardens better, they didn't need to sink millions into the place, just bring back those jack and Jill slides that were apparently a "liability."
19. You're sitting in a Tim Horton's and outside the window you can see another Tim Horton's.
20. You mock people from Sudbury, Stratford or Port Stanley for not living in "real cities" and loath anyone from near London who says they're from London when they're really from St. Thomas or Alsia Craig or someplace equally as lame.
21. You revere Toronto. A day trip there makes up for a month of sitting in your backyard at home
22. You feel The London Free Press seems to change its logo, look, contents, and political allegiances on what, a weekly basis?
23. One of your class trips once involved going to any of the following: Sifton Bog, Eldon House, the Children's Museum The Fanshawe Pioneer Village, Farmer Jack's Apple Orchard or Longwood's
24. You got all excited and had a superior feeling when you realized that in 1992, when Canada turned 125, London was already 200 years old
25. When The Covent Garden market re-opened, you were sad the mechanical pony didn't have more of a place of prominence and what happened to the pet store? That was the best part of going to the old Market (certainly wasn't wandering though the basement of a parking garage.)
26. You marvel at the longevity of the Mascot diner at Dundas and Richmond, hasn't it been there for like, ever?
27. You venture downtown for few things amongst them: to get tattooed or pierced (though you wish Backstage Pass would open up their own studio so that you would never have to leave Masonville) the only other reason to go is to get drunk at one of London's 600 bars.
28. You're shocked that London is actually getting big acts to the John Labbatt Centre yet pissed you've got to go downtown in order to see them, and furthermore you don't have a good excuse to go to Toronto anymore!
29. You dare your stupid friend from out of town to jump in the Thames near that spot where that fisherman discovered all the toxic coal tar deposits
30. You get confused when you go to McDonald's in other cities and they don't have your favourite new burger. anyone remember the McDLT? noone outside of London has ever heard of this bastardization of meat and bread. If we don't like it, no one will, this is what someone at head office has decided. We're guinea pigs! You feel used, yet oddly flattered.
31. Only under rare circumstances will you enter the Embassy. (It is EOA after all) You affectionately call it "the rat's nest". You prefer Call the Office.
32. The cops have come to at least one party you've thrown at your house. Bonus if you've called the cops on the party going on across the street
33. Every bar in London accepted your fake id, even though it's someone's G1 and gives your age as 27, and the person in it is not the same race and a foot shorter than you
34. Prince Al's seems to be open 24-7. You've eaten there after the bar too many times to count. Mmmm.milkshakes!
35. You miss the 'S' curve on Dundas east. Wasn't the removal of that supposed to increase business down there. didn't work did it!
36. When you say, "oh this is Paul, he went to Central", instantaneously all of your friends will rattle off the names of 30 people that they think went to Central, or are friends of people who went to Central. Amazingly, Paul will know all of them. He will also know all of your friends before you've introduced them.
37. You've wondered when the New PL will just be called PL, plus the new PL isn't all that different from the old PL and what the fuck does PL stand for anyway? Now it's A Channel
38. Jenny Jones is a Londoner. That doesn't makes her cool, but so few famous people are from London you've got to take an ironic pride in her, the dad from Alias and the guy who was married to Jessica Tandy.
39. You've walked through the sea of people at the forks of the Thames to watch fireworks that will inevitably irritate your eyes
40. You can still sing the old London Tigers theme song: The crack of the bat, The smack of the glove, It's the sounds of the game that everyone loves. It's London Tigers baseball Tear 'em up tigers, let's go! Tear 'em up tigers, play ball!
41. You miss the old Knights logo. This new one makes them look too much like the Mighty Ducks
42. You think going to Grand Bend only seems cool during May 24.
43. You celebrate May 24 more than any other part of Canada, because you live in London, a big city where NOTHING EVER HAPPENS.

fall is in the air, and apparently love....

so i was reading the london free press this morning and was flipping through when i came across the caption that stated love blooms in the fall....i'm not even going to touch that statement, because its wrong on so many levels....but the free press showed a picture of a newly engaged couple at springbank park, which got me thinking, is springbank park a place to find love?

really...wouldnt you want to fall in love there? the lovely scenery, just look at that dirty damn, and gross water....just makes you wanna fall in love....awww heart ... but in all seriousness, i headed there yesterday for a run in the park, and what do i find on the pathway....a used condom....how lovely....so apparently people don't go and fall in love at the park, they go there to have sex....classy.

and apparently take their bratty children along with them as well....maybe it was to show them this is where you were conceived as was their new baby brother or sister...im not really sure, but seeing all these annoyning children around did help me realize that i soo do not want kids.

and once again, london is beyond classy